My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
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*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I beg your pardon?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you