My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?