My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
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Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
she has a point
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
bout dat hot dog summer
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.