My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?