My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
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[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
I was just discussing this with my cat
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.