My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.