My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
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Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.