My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
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I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.