My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.