My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
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Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
No, YOUR illiterate.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Hell yeah 👍
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.