My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
did it work
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones