My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.

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“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”

-guy who invented sports


me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*


If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.


I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.


Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.


Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.


[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous


[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows


My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.