My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
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I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats