My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
The Friday File.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.