My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.