My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
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Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Note to self: always read the final line
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet