My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
scares
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.