My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
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9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
How I’d get arrested…
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?