My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me