My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed