My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
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We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
need him
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours