My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
You Might Also Like
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
*updates tinder bio*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*aggressively waits in line*
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.