My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!