@jus4golf

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

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@envydatropic

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

@abbycohenwl

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

@HousewifeOfHell

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

@TheDanielleRock

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

@Quartzjixler

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

@StarWarsProblms

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

@MohitSharmaSays

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

@Kyle_Lippert

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

@david8hughes

[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”