My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.