My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
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Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.