My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.