My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
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Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee