My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.