My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
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Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
when revenge coincides with naptime
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)