@RexHuppke

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

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@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

@Qwertyings

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

@RudeFunPillow

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

@daemonic3

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

@Kyle_Lippert

I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.

@pro_worrier_

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

@tuckerflodman

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

@Shut_up_Marissa

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

@Kim_pulsive

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug