My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
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archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.