@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

@NATxHAN

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

@SamGrittner

I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.

@dinokitten

[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”

-What is goingon?

“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”

@primawesome

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.

@jayleno

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

@MeepisMurder

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

@UncleDuke1969

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”