My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*