My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.