my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
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12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Smile Twitter, Smile.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic