My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
You Might Also Like
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
my proudest tweet
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes