My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.