Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.