@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

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@Shanehasabeard

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

@AaronFullerton

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

@rmfnord

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

@HatfieldAnne

You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.

@Just__J0

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

@fro_vo

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@LizHackett

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

@buseysteeth

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.