My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

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You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”


“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.


There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.


Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.


I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.


GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no


A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.


Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.


Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…