My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Just grow your own
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Möther may I have a snäck
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
This one’s “Alex”.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness