My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
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Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
i’m still crying at this
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie