My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Body by Oreos
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York