My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

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[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.


Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?


Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…


“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals


Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”


[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*


Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker


Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.


The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint