@KentWGraham

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

You Might Also Like

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

@TimODee16

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@stephenjmolloy

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

@KattsDogma

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

@TurduckenWrath

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

@LizHackett

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

@thegoodgodabove

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint