@dafloydsta [job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
@KentWGraham My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
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@dafloydsta 
@TimODee16 Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
@djdarrellripley Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
@daemonic3 “Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
@adamgreattweet I love the honesty
@stephenjmolloy Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
@KattsDogma [Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
@TurduckenWrath Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
@LizHackett Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
@thegoodgodabove The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint