My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Jesus steals the winter solstice
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone