My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.