My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Effort made
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
#winning
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back