My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’m calling the cops.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.