My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
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I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.