My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
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I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Don’t forget to tip your server
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.