My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
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devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too