My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Mornin
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father