My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
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Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
“How’s your day going?”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax