My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
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Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
North and South
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats