My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
You Might Also Like
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam