My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
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Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
You learn something every day
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
How to keep the seat next to you empty.