My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!